Daily Bread

Yesterday, in another act to be filed under “Royal Waste of My Time,” I had lunch with someone who I thought could be my one and only in the flesh friend here in the gilded penal colony.

When I first laid eyes on this woman a few months ago I thought, "Wow, she is neither tall nor blonde." Later I found out that she had a bona fide job and actually read books. She was an artist, liked a good glass of wife and didn’t cook. She was Bobbie Markowe (Paula Prentiss) to my Joanna Eberhart (Katharine Ross) from the 1975 original The Stepford Wives.

And just like the movie they got her.

I should have known something was wrong from the outset because she seemed too giddy, but I thought maybe she was high or something. Nothing wrong with that, the woman does have four kids after all. But then she randomly threw out the word “scripture” as in, “I’ll have the cob salad. With a side of scripture.”

Okay, scripture in and of itself is not a bad thing—in fact, it should be known that I have a few of my own favorite scriptures, like Leviticus 18-23: “Neither shalt thou lie with any beast to defile thyself therewith: neither shall any woman stand before a beast to lie down thereto: it is confusion.” Righteous.

Anyway after that painful lunch and public prayer, I went home to my sometimes-annoying babysitter who informed me that my kids shouldn’t celebrate Halloween because it glorifies Satan. And that is when I knew that I had taken a wrong turn somewhere.

I mean, Stepford Connecticut seemed scary enough, with the threat of becoming a complacent robo vixen housewife but in reality, it is not a stretch.

But to have to live on a small island with people who actually believe that Halloween--the only time of year when parents can openly send their children out to rustle up the year’s supply of candy—is wrong, well then they are just plum fucking nuts.


melanie. said...

ha. i had a few parents call me about the halloween celebration i had at my school... i just brushed them off, told them not to send there kids and really nicely, kiss my ass while you're at it. except one family... who i know. who let their kids listen to the worst gangsta rap ever, run the streets like hooligans, watch scary movies and gasp... celebrate christmas. the mom was like "well, it's a pagan holiday" take down your f-in christmas tree, the lights and the presents because they've got nothing to do with christ either, jackoff.

Anonymous said...

Halooween a holiday dedicated to live out your fantasy. A holiday were many, actually most women who look down on strippers dress like one, where politically minded floks gate their hate on, a time when men finally live to dress up or down in honor of their idolized hero and a time when children finally get the opportunity to have all the fun in the world by being the character that in their little, creative minds the believe they are or ought to be. Can the world just let us be?! I mean God whoever she/he is won't give a fuck if we celebrate this harmless "pagan" holiday. It is not Satan that is being idolized/celebrated-- We are celebrating fabricated super heroes, unrevieled fantasies-- like the suggestively altered "career" costumes,the dirty nurse sotume is an ol' time favorite. We celebrate the kiddie's characters costumes--Folks they all are made in China! So in a sense we are celebrating the wonderful, creative, craftsmanship of custom making Chinese factories. SAGGY MOM!

Noah's Mommy said...

Oh Good lord...if I didn't know you were on the other side of the world...I would think you were in the good ole bible belt USA....what do you get when the stepford wives meets deliverance....now that I think would scare your babysitter....

Imogen Lamport said...

So scary - those 'happy clappers' are everywhere - and are trying to control your mind - DON'T LET THEM!

I'm so glad I live in a country where only 7% of the population actually bother to go to any sort of institutionalised religious service a week - the interesting thing about Australia, is many come from other places where the expectation is that they must practise devoutly, and as soon as they get here, they become like the rest of us and stop.

Live and let live, as someone of no religion - I'm happy to partake in any sort of religious or heathen celebration that involves food and wine! But just don't try and convert me or you'll see my scorpio side!