I have been living in a dry spell over here, a real desert oasis. It’s been at times painful, numbing, crazy making, lonely and down right tragic. Yeah, I am married. And I know what you are thinking. My husband, when he doesn’t have a headache or isn’t going blind from his Blackberry, is a dream, a lovely guy and all, but I have to admit that I am seeking a bit more variety.
I suffer from a condition far worse than leprosy, though that is exactly the disease that I feel that I have these days.
I need to be titillated.
I need some friends.
I have lived here for a while now and though I have tried, really, really tried, I cannot seem to make any friends. Sure I have met people. But I have not met anyone that I liked.
Don’t get me wrong; I am not a friend snob. I mean yes, I have standards but in addition to my “shit happens” philosophy, I also take to heart the nugget of truth that is the foundation of Scientology: We are all way fucked up but it is nothing that a new set of fake boobs and a set of false teeth can’t help you over come.
So yeah, I am tired of not having friends. But I am also tired of trying to make friends with women who wear workout clothes as haute couture and who do nothing but complain about their underpaid live-in maids, and talk about 5 star hotels and discount toy shopping in Shenzhen.
So I decided that I am going to place an ad. I am thinking that it will read something like this:
DESPERATELY SEEKING SOMEONE
Married women seeks platonic friendship with similar or single female or male for irreverent drunken cackling at the absurdities of life. Please share my interest in anything other the your last trip to Thailand, unless you were arrested for smuggling drugs—because that makes for a really funny story. But please know that stories that are not funny include anything having to do with the color, size, smell or texture of your child’s bowel movements or any story that involves the phrase “I think my husband is cheating on me, what should I do?” more than 50 times in a fifteen minute conversation. Must like books and I don't mean the Bible. Also, please know how to wipe your own ass.