13.2.09

The Impotence of Being Ernest

I have been living in a dry spell over here, a real desert oasis. It’s been at times painful, numbing, crazy making, lonely and down right tragic. Yeah, I am married. And I know what you are thinking. My husband, when he doesn’t have a headache or isn’t going blind from his Blackberry, is a dream, a lovely guy and all, but I have to admit that I am seeking a bit more variety.

I suffer from a condition far worse than leprosy, though that is exactly the disease that I feel that I have these days.

I need to be titillated.

I need some friends.

I have lived here for a while now and though I have tried, really, really tried, I cannot seem to make any friends. Sure I have met people. But I have not met anyone that I liked.

Don’t get me wrong; I am not a friend snob. I mean yes, I have standards but in addition to my “shit happens” philosophy, I also take to heart the nugget of truth that is the foundation of Scientology: We are all way fucked up but it is nothing that a new set of fake boobs and a set of false teeth can’t help you over come.

So yeah, I am tired of not having friends. But I am also tired of trying to make friends with women who wear workout clothes as haute couture and who do nothing but complain about their underpaid live-in maids, and talk about 5 star hotels and discount toy shopping in Shenzhen.


So I decided that I am going to place an ad. I am thinking that it will read something like this:

DESPERATELY SEEKING SOMEONE

Married women seeks platonic friendship with similar or single female or male for irreverent drunken cackling at the absurdities of life. Please share my interest in anything other the your last trip to Thailand, unless you were arrested for smuggling drugs—because that makes for a really funny story. But please know that stories that are not funny include anything having to do with the color, size, smell or texture of your child’s bowel movements or any story that involves the phrase “I think my husband is cheating on me, what should I do?” more than 50 times in a fifteen minute conversation. Must like books and I don't mean the Bible. Also, please know how to wipe your own ass.

13 comments:

Noah's Mommy said...

there is nothing wrong in wanting friends who are living breathing human beings...instead of drones...or pink storm troopers...I've settled one too many times...and have rightly kicked myself in the ass later for it...I left highschool years ago...it's not my fault three quarters of the female population haven't.....so I hear ya sista....there has got to be another desperately seeking out there in your neck of the woods....

A. said...

I totally hear ya!

Imogen Lamport said...

Pick me pick me! I know how hard it is to make friends as an adult and as an outsider (having moved away from where I grew up and also having lived OS).

This past year I managed to make a couple of new friends, and that's a feat. I am friendly with some of the other mums that my kids play with, but they're really not my kind of people (way too anal about housework), it is like serendipity when you find a new great friend.

I would also suggest that you also include a line about "and you teach your kids to wipe their own asses to as soon as they're toilet trained" cos there are way too many mothers out there who still wipe their kids bums at 6 and 7 (and there is no way, if you're looking after their kids, that you ever want to be stuck doing that).

My word verification today is Bollygls - which I believe is telling you to have a glass of champagne.

The Self-Deprechaun said...

I was a drug mule once. Still have the condoms inside my orifices. Is something like this appropriate conversation material? I do a mean interpretive dance.

Nicole Bradshaw said...

Keep tryin'. I went through a dry spell myself when I left the office to be a SAHM. I joined a mom's group, and I was flabbergasted by how incompatible I was with most of the other members.

I persevered, though, and finally found a fabulous woman who ended up being a close friend. Even though I'm back at work now, we still keep in touch and go on the occasional weekend vacay.

Cool people are out there. You just gotta find 'em.

globalgal said...

Hilarious! I need a friend, too, but in the backwoods of the Chinese Hinterland I'm afraid I am all on my own... I guess that's why I read blogs all damn day long! I enjoy yours!

Margo said...

I have felt the exact same way you are describing ever since I had kids (16 yrs ago!) We lived in Holland, then moved to France when first child was 2 mos., then Va, then NJ and now, for the past 10 yrs. SC. I got tired of trying, and we've been here so long now that I have a few "friends", but one is 67 yrs. old and the other is 28... so we are definitely on different tracks, which makes close friendship difficult. I've gotten absurdly private, and never expect anything from anybody. I sometimes feel as if living in The Hague kind of ruined me, because there was so much built in infrastructure and variety because of the sheer size that the odds of meeting people that I clicked with were better. It's not like I got stuck with the 2 people whose spouses worked for same company, where they talk about how awful it is to be away from Cleveland or wherever the heck they're from and be stuck in a foreign country in the middle of nowhere .. SC defines staid, and I feel like a freak whenever I color outside the lines of being anything but a conservative SC girl. I have one friend who moved last year to New Mexico, but we still talk all the time, we clicked immediately... it's just weird: I used to believe you could will friendship into existence, but for me anyway it either happens or it doesn't... once I stopped giving a damn things were easier. I feel for you. There are some messed up folks out there to weed through. You're right, unfortunately, it is a little like dating.

SWC said...

Hi... Can I call you all my "peeps" it makes me feel cool and popular and all.

You all are so nice but not in that innocent sort of way. If you can drink and type at the same time, we are gonna be the best of virtual buddies...
oh and Self Dep, you should look into the condom thing. You gotta get yourself regular again. I have it on good authority that fiber is not enough to remove latex...

Imogen Lamport said...

Happy to be your peeps! I'll be your stalker.

Anna Lefler said...

I'm your man! I mean *woman*. Or gal. Or whatever.

I'm goin' over the wall, I'm tellin' ya. Tonight. I can't take it here either.

Who's with me?

~ Anna

The Self-Deprechaun said...

So have you found your friends yet? I finally squeezed out my last condom of heroin but snorting that stuff knowing where its been, tells me 'say no to drugs' is a good mantra.

Do update us SWC!

Margo said...

I'm all for heading over the wall. Do I have to be in good shape for that?

Anonymous said...

A-DOG: man, i miss ya! let's do our laundry this saturday at the laundromat and grab a bagel and coffee. wish you were here, or i there--xo JB