All this uncertainty has me wanting to drink the snake oil. Like everyone, I hate not knowing if I am going to wake up to the 2009 Great Great Depression or the 2009 Descent into Global Anarchy or the 2009, WTF! How The Hell Did I End Up On This Iceberg?
To calm my nerves and to keep my pledge to lay off the prescription drugs, I decided to tap into the higher forces and get the dope with my free horoscope on line. But on my way to the computer, I passed the promotional bottle of bubbly that I received two years ago from my local Park n' Shop and after knocking it back, the world got real clear. A woozy feeling came up from my toes and suddenly, I could just make out what the future will bring. I have to warn you, alot of what was revealed to me looked like a very grainy low tech amateur porn but here are some of the highlights:
Prince Charles will be caught on tape trying to hire a hit man to finally off the Queen Mother so that he can be King before the family has to sell off their property due to bad investments.
In Italy, my 1996 “stolen” passport will be found in the personal effects of Berlusconi’s wife, sparking rumors that the Prime Minister is running an underground sex ring. This scandal will serve as a distraction against record unemployment rates and calls for the dissolution of the EU.
Meanwhile, in the United States, this week, George Bush will lose his wallet while out for a walk on White House grounds. It will be found by a secret service agent who will only take the compromising photos of Bush and Bin Laden enjoying a round of beers and a couple of hookers in pre-Katrina New Orleans. Sometime in mid-February the wallet and the rest of its contents will be sent to Bush’s ranch in Crawford, Texas. It is unclear what happens to the Bin Laden/Bush pics.
Donald Trump decides to save his recession era real estate empire by investing in homes that promote green living: recycled glass igloo houses for people residing in the Northern Hemisphere and cardboard tents for people who live in the Southern Hemisphere.
And to the shock of every American, China and the Middle East ask the US to payback loans made to Walmart, Cosco, Best Buy, Exxon, Visa and Mastercard.
Heroin returns as the party drug of choice for the under 60 set. The over 60's turn to the cheaper alternative, methadone.
And at the end of 2009, just in time to ring in another new year, Mao suits come back into fashion by government decree.